Weekenders Magazine

I received some great news this weekend.  Ryan Swofford with Weekenders Magazine (an online literary periodical) emailed to tell me that they have selected my short story VACANT STARE to appear in an upcoming issue.  The issue will be available to read on their website on November 15th. 

Here's a link to their site:  The Weekenders Magazine

I'm very excited to be included on this project and to get in on a new issue this early in their fledgling career as a blog magazine.  Below, you'll find an excerpt from my short story and I hope you enjoy it.

VACANT STARE

by Joshua Schwartzkopf

The boy with rust-colored hair sat on the blue and white checkered couch overlooking the street.  It was a throw away couch that no garbage man had ever come to pick up.  He stared into the distance, not looking at the elaborate two-story houses across the way..  He saw everything and yet he saw nothing.

A vacant expression on his youthful face made him seem as if he were in some sort of trance.  Those who walked by just thought he was on drugs, "probably suffering from Autism" one woman commented as she scurried past with her power-walking partner.  The sound of her spandex covered thighs created a distinct "phht phht" noise.

Yet, still he sat there in front of the white house with the red "For Sale" sign planted off to one side..  A narrow sidewalk led up to the spindly, grey front porch.  His head tilted to the right as he stared into the space ahead.  He blinked now and then but otherwise he could have been a robot or Pinocchio.

I sat there watching him and wondered why he was there.  Had some tragedy befallen this boy?  Had his parents divorced and were they now moving out of his childhood home?  So many questions filled my mind as I sat in my cozy office, trying to finish the great American novel.  I just needed to write the perfect ending, the final sentence to leave the reader with some closure to my story.  But I hadn't gotten much farther than a single "The" on the glowing monitor.

I looked down at the black keyboard resting on the khaki colored desk.  My fingers poised over the A,S,D,F keys on the left and the J,K,L,semi-colon keys on the right.  My thumbs rested ever so gently on the space bar at the bottom of the keyboard.  The whir of the computer filled the otherwise silent office.  Pictures littered the tiered levels of the computer desk, pictures of family gatherings and of my wife.

(Read the rest here)

Those darn whippersnappers!

Alright, so maybe I'm getting older and turning into a bit of a curmudgeon but today while driving home for my lunch break, I noticed something.  I was listening to the classic rock station and heard a song from The Police.  I was listening to the words and it got me thinking that compared to modern day lyrics, this stuff is poetry.

Here's an example of what I mean:

VERSE 1
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black cat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

CHORUS

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

VERSE 2
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
CHORUS

VERSE 3

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall

There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
There's a blue whale beached by a springtime's ebb
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
CHORUS

VERSE 4
There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out

There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread
CHORUS

VERSE 5
There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
FINALE

Now here's an example of a modern day tune that is popular on the radio stations right now:

VERSE 1
I threw a wish in the well,

Don't ask me, I'll never tell

I looked to you as it fell,

And now you're in my way

I'd trade my soul for a wish,

Pennies and dimes for a kiss

I wasn't looking for this,

But now you're in my way

Your stare was holdin',

Ripped jeans, skin was showin'

Hot night, wind was blowin'

Where you think you're going, baby?

CHORUS

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here's my number,

So call me, maybe?

It's hard to look right,

At you baby,

But here's my number,

So call me, maybe?

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here's my number,

So call me, maybe?

And all the other boys,

Try to chase me,

But here's my number,

So call me, maybe? 

Anyway, just an observation, I think we both know which song is King in this contest.

Paranormal Activity and Popcorn

Last night, I went to see the new Paranormal Activity movie with some people from work.  Typically, I would shy away from anything with the number 4 after the title but I've thoroughly enjoyed being scared by these poltergeists-photographed-by-stationary-video-cameras and I wasn't too disappointed by this latest entry.  I will admit that if the concept were butter, the creators of the franchise are beginning to spread it a little too thin.  But, I digress, this is not a movie review...this is merely exposition.

When I go to the movies, I usually don't get snacks or drinks (my bladder can't handle sitting for more than an hour with any sort of liquid jostling around inside my body) but I did bring with me some contraband candy purchased from a gas station.  There's something so wonderfully mischievous about sneaking in candy tucked in a coat pocket.  Although I don't imagine the theater kids would do much if they caught me with a pack of Starbursts in my pocket and I daresay I could probably raise more of a stink than it would be worth if they started frisking me in line at the ticket counter.  Maybe theaters should invest in some sort of candy-detecting system...a confectionary bouncer, if you will.  It could help stimulate the economy if nothing else.

Back to snacks, so there I was with my Starbursts, watching the movie and cracking jokes with my colleagues.  If you do go see this movie, I hope you find yourselves the only group in the place so you can poke fun during the slow scenes.  It really heightens the enjoyment factor by 10...maybe 20 percent.  By the end of the flick though, I was high on sugar.  I had eaten the pack of Starbursts (and drank a medium Coke...I know, I said I usually didn't do that but it seemed like a good idea at the time).  After I emptied my full and uncomfortable bladder, I bade farewell to my colleagues and made the trip home.

Now I was feeling the effects of all the sugar and it wasn't sitting well in my stomach.  I needed something to offset the sugar and so when I got home, I broke into some microwaveable pop corn.  I cooked up the delectable and salty snack and then I sat working on my latest work-in-progress while munching away.  It wasn't long before I realized why I don't typically eat popcorn.  I don't know if it's tactically designed to attack the space between your gums and teeth but sometimes I suspect that was indeed the very idea.  I spent more time picking the kernels from my teeth, finding the gossamer thin shells and searching for the rest of the popcorn carnage in my mouth than eating it. 

I remember reading a story about a lumberjack cutting down a tree and how the sound of his chainsaw biting into the wood was the screaming of the tree as he killed it.  I'm paraphrasing here but I think there are types of food - popcorn being the leader of this particular group - that fight back when we try to eat them.  And I think microwave popcorn is the mercenary of all popcorn.  If it's not attacking your teeth and gums, it's getting caught in the back of your throat and then there's the kernels that didn't pop that cling to the white fluffy bits.  Crunching on those hard nuggets is like stepping on a land mine with your mouth.  

In the war with snack foods, I don't think I was the loser per se but I certainly wasn't the winner.  I gave up half way through the bag and sent the rest to the trash can.  I imagine the next time I take up arms against dangerous foods like microwave popcorn, old Tootsie rolls, spicy Buffalo Wings or chewy Beef Jerky I hope I'll rethink my battle plan.  Although my personal mantra is "it seemed like a good idea at the time" so I'm probably doomed to repeat the same mistake again...and again...and again.

In summary, Paranormal Activity 4 is a good horror flick, albeit a bit slow at times but there's fun to be had if you're willing to take a chance.  Microwave popcorn, on the other hand, is devil food created by an evil scientist to tear apart your mouth and send you crying to the dentist. 

A Perfect Evening

Once upon a time, the perfect evening involved going out to a fancy restaurant - wining and dining.  Maybe going to see a movie at the theater.  Maybe meeting friends at a bar and drinking too much beer while listening to loud, obnoxious music.  But sometimes the perfect evening can be something much more simple.

Example?  For our anniversary, my wife got me my very own copy of Kung Fu Panda 2.  I know, it's a kids movie but for anyone who knows me...you know I'm a kid at heart.  I loved the first and I love this one.  Now, the movie would typically be enough for me but my wife went one step further.  She had the brilliant idea to order Chinese food and eat it while we watched the two movies.  How cool is that?

So there we were enjoying our own noodles while Po talked about having the noodle dream (even though deep down he was really dreaming about kung fu).  Later on I was smiling and laughing like a buffoon as I watched his crazy antics and when I looked over to see if my wife was having a good time, I found her asleep.  This is not uncommon for her especially on a Friday night but I just smiled to myself and thought, "This is bliss.  This is a perfect evening."

 

Too busy to blog

 "Writing a book is an adventure.  To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant.  The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public."  ~ Winston Churchill

"I think I'm about ready to fling this monster...down the toilet." ~ Me

Back to Work

As a writer it can be easy to become obsessed with the next big project and I am definitely one of those types of people who can become easily obsessed with a project.  Now I've dragged my wife kicking and screaming into helping me edit a book that I wrote a while back and put on the back burner when it didn't take off.  Recently, I found out that a renowned publisher is opening up a two week window starting in October and they will accept "unagented" submissions. 

Read more: Harper Voyager

So I've taken a book off the shelf and started the maddening compulsive editing process again.  In the past, the book did get me a bite from a potential agent who politely declined after reading it.  It also received a terrible review on a book review website but at least the reviewer did offer some constructive criticism.  Although it took me a few months to see the constructive criticism through the admonitions.

Anyway, I want to thank my wife for supporting my madness and for reading the 5th draft (or is this the 6th?).  We've got to get the book down to less than 120,000 words and it's currently sitting at 130,000.  Maybe this time the book will be more palatable to a wider audience than just the two of us.

For those who read this blog, please wish us luck and we'll see you on the otherside of this crazy, frantic process called "editing".


     

Cackling Crow

"This morning I awoke to the cacophony of cackling crows.

They sounded like a group of farmers gossiping over coffee.

I wish I could figure out what they found so funny.

Perhaps they know something profound, some great secret -

And they're laughing because no one else gets it.

Or, maybe they just need to shut the hell up."

A Nerdy Equation

Numbers of princesses rescued =  4,197

Number of monsters vanquished =  4,233,580

Number of quests completed =  12,098

Number of worlds saved =  346

Living out childhood dreams through video games = Priceless

Battlespace Update and Photo

Today, I received an update on the Battlespace Anthology and a photo.  It made me smile to see this photo and realize that something featuring a piece that I wrote is helping others and (I hope) is being enjoyed by others.  Anyway, here's the photo and a caption from one of the editors of the book and a member of the Science Fiction Show.  If you haven't ordered a copy, it's not too late.  Click here

From Jason Tudor:

Finally, attached is a photo. It's your book in the hands of Marine Corps Sgt. Maj. Bryan Battaglia, the senior enlisted advisor to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey, and the senior non-commissioned officer in the U.S. Armed Forces -- the nation's top enlisted man. He, like us, is committed to helping wounded soldiers. He thanks us for our work -- and by us I mean ALL of us -- and had some very nice things to say about Warrior Cry and more. A humbling experience indeed.

To check out the Science Fiction Show, Go here

 

Proof that I'll never grow up

The writing is going well.  Working on a new novel but taking it slow because I fear I rushed through the first two and I'm afraid they're total garbage.  But in my spare time I discovered a gem of a website called Xtranormal where you can make your own movies!  So here's my first attempt...and proof that I'll never grow up.

Alien Vacation

Spider Anecdote

Last week, I was sitting at my desk at work getting ready for the day ahead.  From the corner of the office, I heard one of my co-workers gasp and a moment later he stood up and started stomping on the floor.  Everyone looked at him and he said, "Eww, I just stepped on a pregnant spider!"  Our boss from her office asked, "How do you know she was pregnant?"  To which I replied, "She was wearing maternity clothes."

The Music Man

I haven't had as much time as I would have liked to be writing because I've been busy rehearsing for the upcoming production of THE MUSIC MAN.  For those of you in the area, get your tickets ASAP and come see yours truly play the part of Mayor Shinn.  It's a pretty funny part and it's a pretty great play.  The cast is very talented for a community endeavor. 

Tickets are available at Music Man Square in Mason City, Iowa. 

Here's a link to the news story we ran for the show:

Music Man on KIMT-TV

Back To Writing

I recently took an unexpected break from writing.  I mean, I knew I would get back to it eventually.  It's kind of like riding a bike...no, that's too cliché.  It's like finding yourself a little lost in the woods on a pleasant summer day.  You have an idea of where home lies, but you're in no hurry to go back just yet.  So you take your time, wandering past the streams and forest creatures chittering from the tree tops.  The beams of sunlight cutting through the canopy above.  The smell of earth and pine needles in your nostrils and the pleasant taste of fresh air on your lips.  I think that about sums up how I've felt.  Maybe I needed some time to do some soul searching, who knows? But, in the past few days, I realized that I found my way home again.

We'll see how long I stay before I get that urge to wander off, but I do know that every time I leave...I come back feeling a little more at peace.

Farewell to my Grandfather

What can I say about the man? He was a southern gentleman, true.  He taught me the value of showing up to work on time, also true.  He made me enjoy the smell of pipe tobacco, true as well.  I'll always remember walking into the Pipe Shop with him sitting in those dark brown swivel chairs around the U-shaped bar with jars of fresh tobacco, lids resting atop the aromatic tobacco leaves.  He'd look up from his newspaper, his pipe clenched between his teeth as smoke wafted out of his nostrils and from his mouth.  He'd smile at me and say:  "Well hello there, young man."  

I wish I would have taken more time to get to know him.  He had a plethora of stories to tell from his childhood, his Navy days, his time in New Orleans and even his fishing trips to Canada.  But I was younger then, impatient.  I wanted to experience my own adventures not listen to other people regale me with their own.  I'm still like that in many ways, I guess.

His funeral was full of ceremony and tears.  I heard the songs that reverberated from the electronic speakers.  Hymnals that I wasn't sure Grandpa even enjoyed but figured my mother probably knew he did.  I jumped nearly out of my seat when the Honor Guard fired off the first shot of the 21 gun salute and I wept bittersweet tears when that Naval officer dressed in white ceremonial garb handed my mother the folded Stars and Stripes.  And I thought, "Now, this is the way to be remembered."

I was sad to say farewell to my grandfather, the last of all of my grandparents.  But I also realized that he was with my grandmother now.  I'm pretty sure she called him home because the night before he passed away, he asked my mother if he could go.  And she said yes.  So while it's sad to say goodbye, I know it's only for now.  So, Grandpa, until we meet again...

    

Battlespace is now available

It's sad to say but the Sci-Fi anthology has been delayed until July 10th.  The publishers say they ran into some snags but are working to fix them.  They have however picked a cover for the book.  It's pretty cool although I think the girl looks like something from G.I. Joe but that is kind of the theme of the book so who am I to judge? 

Anyway, here's the cover.  Hope you guys like it.

Update:  Battlespace is now available.  Go to:  https://www.createspace.com/3924989 and order yours today.

Battlespace: Volume One Coming Soon!

Here's a press release for the anthology that will feature the first story I've ever had published:

Anthology reveals author line-up

PETALUMA, Calif. -- The Science Fiction Show in conjunction with Knightwatch Press released the line-up of authors for the upcoming military science fiction anthology "Battlespace, Volume 1" June 18.

The titles of the stories and their authors are (in alphabetical order):

• The Code by Stefan Alford
• Ayema's Fleet by Therese Arkenberg
• Safety In Numbers by Tom Barlow
• Dog Days by Neil Carstairs
• A Flash of Insight by John C. Conway
• Outside the Wire by Terri Lynn Coop
• The First Mission of Lieutenant Seth-7 by T. Fox Dunham
• Lusi by Shay Fabbro
• The Faith Eaters: Crickets by Cliff W. Gilmore
• Re-Live by Keith Houin
• Fred Has A Productive Day by Gerry Huntman
• The Last Great Film by Pedro Iniguez
• Two Hours to Die by Joe Jablonski
• Mission of the Crystal Star by Joshua Johnson
• Tussle by Eric Johnson
• Message in a Bottle by Andrew Knight
• Chewing Barbed Wire by Kevin McClintock
• A Rare Chance At The Enemy by Mark Mellon
• Umbuto's Rock by Vincent Morgan
• Dark Star by Robert J. Muirhead
• Rocking The Dead Man by Sandra M. Odell
• Special Aptitudes and Space Sensibilities by David S. Pointer
• All We Know of Heaven and Hell by Guinevere Robin Rowell
• Vortex by Joshua Schwartzkopf
• One Last Shot at Glory by Aaron Smith
• The Eye of God by John L. Thompson
• The Gun by D. Thomas Wise; and
• And Kill Them by William R.D. Wood

"We could not have had a better line up of authors for this book," said Jason Tudor, editor-in-chief for the book. Houin and Michael J. Wistock are also serving as editors. "We're excited about the stories. That's what will sell this book, these great stories. We're also excited about the authors, who have been enthusiastic and gracious as we lead up to publication."

"Battlespace, Volume 1" will retail for $9.99 and is a mixture of short stories and flash fiction. All proceeds from ebook and printed book sales benefit the Warrior Cry Music Project. The ebook version is slated to be released June 26.

For more on the book, visit http://battlespace.myscifishow.com. To contact the staff for interviews or appearances, send a message to @myscifishow on Twitter or email letters@myscifishow.com.

About the Science Fiction Show

The Science Fiction Show is a weekly podcast available on iTunes looking into all-things science fiction in film, television, books and elsewhere. Hosts Jason Tudor, Keith Houin and Michael Wistock make an hour-long experience that is entertaining with riveting interviews, insider information and great personalities. Since May 2011, fans have downloaded the show 9,700 times and has better than 600 loyal followers across Facebook and Twitter. Past interview subjects have included comic book artists Steve Rude, Chris Trevis and Christian Waggoner; writers Mike Baron, Adam Slade and Eric Trautmann; and Hollywood special effects artist Shannon John Shea. The show’s website is www.myscifishow.com

About Warrior Cry

Warrior Cry is a group of volunteers who work with wounded soldiers in the Washington, DC, metro area. It provides the soldiers with musical instruments and then teaches them to play. Music is a great form of physical and mental therapy. Working closely with therapists to create a positive educational and therapeutic music program, Warrior Cry gives wounded soldiers something positive to work toward and helps to get their minds off of their injuries. Music also helps get our wounded soldiers out of their shell and interested in socializing with others. Warrior Cry works with other groups and non-profits to help better the lives of soldiers that were wounded in battle. The foundation’s website is www.warriorcry.org

Hold The Door

It's late so I'll keep this short.  I wrote a short, short story (also known as flash fiction) and submitted it to a writing contest.  I haven't done this in a while so figured I'd give it another shot.  If you'd like to read it, it's called HOLD THE DOOR.  It has to do with good manners and how sometimes they can backfire. 

Here's a link:  Hold The Door

You'll have to sign up for a free account but that's a good thing because then you can rate my story!

On the published story front, the people behind the anthology are shooting for a June 26th release date.  It sounds like I wasn't the only one to forgo the payment so that's kind of nice to hear that my fellow writers are equally as generous for a worthy cause.  Anyway, there's a spider roaming around in the room so I have to kill it now.  Poor thing shouldn't have stepped out from its hiding spot...

Signs of Summer

I realize that summer is quickly approaching with the arrival of the infamous June Bug or Phyllophaga crinita.  For those of you who do not know what I'm talking about, imagine the beetle creatures from the Jim Henson movie THE DARK CRYSTAL.  Okay, can you picture the Garthim? The black beetle guards?  Imagine them in all their hideous glory.  Now change that dark color to a coppery brown and shrink them down to about the size of an acorn and you have what we Midwesterners call a June Bug.  In fact, they really do look like an acorn that can fly and grab onto you and make creepy buzzing sounds as they try to get in through the screen over the window. 

As I sit here, one of the little creepers is trying to buzz through the screen on our window on the second floor.  It's hot so I have the shade up and the light on so I can see what I'm doing.  I never understood why insects are so attracted to light? Didn't they ever see POLTERGEIST? Zelda Rubinstein who played Tangina made it perfectly clear that we should all "stay away from the light".  And yet this idiot June Bug keeps buzzing at the screen so I walk over and I stand and stare at the beetle - watching it hover over the barrier that must confuse and bewilder the simple creature.  After my brief observation, I take my middle finger and press it against my thumb to form a circle.  I aim my finger at the bug and with a flick, I send the obnoxious critter tumbling into the darkness.  Maybe something will eat it.

Now I'm sitting back down to type this entry and not even five minutes later, the little beast is back - beating at the screen and trying to get to me and the light.  Yep, summer is almost here alright.

For more information on these fiends, check out this website:  http://insects.tamu.edu/fieldguide/bimg139.html

Some good news...

It's been a while since I've posted on the old blog.  I've been working on yet another novel and playing way too much Final Fantasy 11 (the game is a decade old and I still love it).  Anyway, I recently was contacted by an editor of a military-themed science fiction anthology.  I sent them a short story I wrote called VORTEX and he said they were excited to include it in their first volume.  It's called Battlespace and the proceeds from the sales of the book will go to the Warrior Cry Music Project - which is a group of volunteers who work with wounded soldiers in the Washington, DC, metro area. It provides the soldiers with musical instruments and then teaches them to play.  So it looks like I'm going to become a published author!  Pretty cool.  Anyway, I'll know more about the project later on and I will post updates in the weeks to come. 

Here's a link if you'd like to check out their website:  http://battlespace.myscifishow.com/

Growing A Beard

So I'm attempting to grow a beard.  That's right a full beard.  Call me Grizzly Adams, I don't mind.  The reason for my wanting to grow a beard?  I hate shaving.  It's true.  It hurts my face and I'm tired of nicking my skin and bleeding for hours on end because of a tiny cut on my chin.  The problem is I'm in the itchy stage of the beard and it's driving me crazy.  Plus my wife isn't a big fan of it but I've come this far...almost two weeks now...and I don't feel like it would be right to shave it off now. 

I'm sure the people at my work are a little concerned about the beard.  But no one's really asked me about it.  They just seem to have accepted that I'm a lazy slob who doesn't want to bother with shaving.  And frankly at this point I'm fine with coming off that way. 

But my wife made a truly excellent point today and it's really bugging me.  She says I don't have the right hairdo for a beard and I fear that she's right.  I mean, I look at some of the truly excellent beards throughout history and in the movies:  Jesus Christ, Gandalf, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Santa Claus.  The first two had long, flowing hair that seemed to compliment their beards.  The latter were grey haired.  I don't fit into either of those categories (although I'm getting closer to the grey hair...closer than I'd like to admit at times).

Anyway, she feels that my swoop to the right style just isn't going to cut it with a beard.  But I don't think I'd have the stamina to let my hair grow out long either.  I do need a haircut but I'm afraid that cutting away the hair will only emphasize the oddity of having a beard.   So I find myself in a bit of a quandary. 

 

 

 

 



A Love Affair With Star Wars

On the verge of the six Star Wars movies coming out in 3D to theaters nationwide, I find myself taking a moment to reflect.  As a boy, those movies (and the action figures) influenced me a great deal.  I remember acting out the scenes in the backyard or playing with the toys with friends.  I would draw up the characters and write my own stories based on the adventures of Luke, Han, Leia, Chewie and the Droids.  I’d like to think that that play acting and the Star Wars stories helped shaped me into the man I’ve become today.

I recalled hearing rumors after “Return of the Jedi” came and went to the theater that George Lucas was planning three prequels and three more sequels.  Man, I was ecstatic when I heard that news.  I just knew they would be brilliant.  After all, the first three were incredible (at the time).  And then the waiting began…and so I waited and waited and searched for any morsel of information I could find on the subject matter. 

Fourteen years later, my waiting finally paid off…sort of.  I was a Junior in College at the time and Star Wars was not always in my thoughts at that age.  It was there, but just not as prevalent as say when I was six.  But Star Wars leapt right back into the spotlight when I heard that Mr. Lucas was releasing a Special Edition of the Trilogy.  I was so excited to see the movies again in the theater and I even camped out with all the rest of the fan boys - although I never dressed up for the occasion.  But then I saw the movies and the changes and like many fan boys – I didn’t like that Greedo shot at Han first nor did I care for the campy hangar scene where Han walks on Jabba’s tail.  Still, these were just minor gripes because I knew that Mr. Lucas was planning to release the prequels soon – it was a whisper on the wind but now I thought, “This is going to be the pay-off for all that waiting.”

Now picture this: it’s the summer of 1999.  I’m in Missoula, Montana with my Dad and Step-mother.  I’m about to start working my first real acting job for the Missoula Children’s Theater.  And I convinced my father, who I’m sure was reluctant to go see Star Wars with his twenty-something son, to go to the Theater that night and stand outside waiting to see this movie.  It was supposed to be just like when I was a kid.  Cathartic and rewarding, exciting and mind-blowing.  I just knew that this would be the big pay-off…this would reignite the magic and rekindle my love for Star Wars.  And you know what? It wasn’t that bad.  Sure, Jar-Jar was over the top and I died a little inside when young Anakin Skywalker said “Woo Hoo” while shooting down droid starships.  But it wasn’t anything like I had built up in my mind…which is not surprising.  Is anything as perfect as what you’ve built up in your head?

When “Attack of the Clones” came out, I wasn’t as excited to see it.  I think I waited a week or so before I went with my friend and his wife.  I was living in California then - still trying the acting thing.  I did not like the second movie.  It was just too contrived and rushed for my taste.  But it was a fun ride.  I just knew I’d never want to own that one.  Oh well.  Life goes on, right? 

The third and final film I was a little more excited over.  I mean, this was where Anakin would finally transform into Darth Vader.  It was supposed to be epic.  But life got in the way and I think I ended up catching it on one of the final weekends before it moved on.  I was living in North Platte, Nebraska then and I saw it with a friend who I worked with during my tour with the Missoula Children’s Theater.  And I’d have to say this was my favorite of the prequel trilogy…except for the part where Darth cries out “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  I cringed when he did that, but overall it was a good movie and it came closest to rekindling that spark I once had for Star Wars. 

Now I see the movies are coming out again and this time in 3D and it’s like an old flame that I just never quite got over.  She’s mistreated me a few times but nothing terrible.  We just kinda lost touch and now she’s called me up and asked me to go to the movies.  But, she’s buying the popcorn this time… 

I might be a drug dealer...

It's hard to believe that this will be my first blog post of 2012.  Shame on me. 

My wife is a little under the weather and unfortunately so am I.  She asked me if I could get her some Sudafed when she found out I was going to see the doctor.  I told her I would try.  She stopped me, looked me straight in the eye and said she needed the real stuff...not the fake crap they keep on the shelves.  She needed the forbidden Sudafed that they keep behind the counter at the pharmacy.   I told her I would see what I could do...

I became sick last week and it hit me in a rather strange way.  I'm sitting at my desk at work and suddenly my nose feels like someone shoved Hot Tamales into my nostrils.  Not a pleasant feeling, I must say.  I'm twitching and sniffling, trying whatever I can do to make the burning stop.  And just like that - it stops.  I tell myself it's just allergies.  It's nothing serious.  But that night as I'm trying to sleep, I just cannot maintain my body temperature - hot then cold and back again.  After that, I realize I'm probably getting sick but I still won't accept the truth so I go to work anyway.  And I can feel this bastard coming on like a freight train, my head is stuffed up and I'm coughing and my eyes are watering but I just keep telling myself, "Just get through the next hour and you'll be fine."  But I know deep down, I'm not fine.  I'm sick.

To make a long story short, I end up calling off work on Friday and searching for a doctor to help cure my ailment (I know...woe is me and all that jazz).  So I call the clinic and say I'd like to schedule an appointment today and the nurse nearly laughs at me.  She says she can get me in next Wednesday and I'm like, "But I'll be better by then..."  So after some negotiating and me hanging up and then calling back again, I agree to the Wednesday appointment with Dr. Garcia.

Fast forward to Wednesday...yes, I've been going to work because I'm still of the mindset that I'm not that sick.  I come in an hour early so I can make up for lost time when I go to the doctor later on in the morning.  Eventually I get to leave work and I drive to the clinic.  It's a sunny day but it's cold because we live in Iowa and it's January so there you have it.  I get in and I fill out all the paperwork that is required to join the "I'm sick" club. 

There's an older gentleman seated next to me and he begins to talk in spurts.  I really don't understand what he's talking about but I nod and laugh politely.  I tend to do that in awkward situations...laugh politely.  I get my paperwork done and hand it to the nurse who makes some joke about how difficult it must have been to learn how to spell my last name.

When I sit back down, I pick up an issue of Sports Illustrated...not because I'm a sports fan.  Anyone who knows me, knows I don't follow sports at all.  No, it's a sign.  It's a sign for the chatty old weird guy that I don't want to talk.  So I sit and I look at the pretty pictures and wouldn't you know it I get called in by the nurse.  So I follow her down a winding hallway and she leads me to a closet.  The nurse makes me sit down in the closet and shuts the door.  Ok, so it's not a closet - it's an exam room.

The thing is though - there's all these cartoon animals on the walls.  Monkeys, lions, bears and an alligator.  And yes I can tell it's an alligator and not a crocodile because crocs have narrower, more v-shaped snouts (thank you very much, Crocodile Hunter, may you rest in peace).  And on the ceiling, pasted over one of the fluorescent lights, is a picture of hot air balloons.  So I'm a little perplexed as to why I'm sitting in a waiting room for a little kid?  And I'm wondering if this is some sort of elaborate joke or if they're just trying to make me feel uncomfortable.

But then the nurse comes in and she takes my vitals.  Blood pressure, temperature and she asks me some general questions.  She apologizes for making me wait (which I think I waited like 5 minutes so I'm wondering how impatient their other patients must be).  She departs and I wait another 10 minutes maybe.  Then there's a knock at the door and I'm like, "Come in?"  And Dr. Garcia finally walks in.

He's a jovial kind of guy, very friendly and chatty and I like him from the get-go.  He's got a bit of an accent but he's easy to understand.  Anyway, he asks me what's wrong and I tell him.  I should back up here - see by this time, I was done with the coughing and the runny nose but now I was left with a lot of sinus pressure and my right eye seems to have sprung a permanent leak.  Ok, now you're caught up.  I tell him the same thing I told you...maybe not exactly the same way but he got the point. 

Dr. Garcia has me take a seat on the exam table and I listen to the crinkling sound of the sanitary paper as I sit.  He takes out a tool and sticks it up my nose gently.  And I hear him gasp.  And he says, "You said you're not blowing your nose any longer?"  And I reply, "Yes."  And he shakes his head, "Wow, you are extremely congested.  I'm surprised you're not blowing your nose."  And I don't know how to react to this.  I felt like I should run over and blow my nose for good measure but he moves on then and inspects my ears (with a different tool...I think ).  He presses his hands against my forehead, asks me "Do you feel pressure?" and I'm like, "Yeah."  And he takes a step back before he declares, "You have a sinus infection."  And I nod once, not really surprised but happy to get it confirmed.  

He writes me up a 'script.  See what I did there? I turned "prescription" into 'script.  Pretty cool, huh? All I need now is the white lab coat and I too could be a doctor.  Anyway, he says he'll FAX it to my pharmacist which I think is very handy.  He shows me the way out of the clinic and I check out. 

Fast forward to me going to the pharmacy.  There's a guy in front of me but he doesn't take long.  And soon I'm standing before the pharmacist.  She's a short gal with cropped brown hair wearing a floral pattern jersey and pink pants.  She asks me in a very pleasant voice, "Can I help you?" And I say, "Yes, I'm picking up a prescription for Schwartzkopf, Josh."  She turns around and finds it and then turns back to me.  She places two white paper bags before me:  one is an inhaler and the other is antibiotics.  I know this because that's what Dr. Garcia told me I was getting.  She then asks me if I have insurance and I say "Yes" and hand over my card.  She takes it and begins typing the information into her computer.

I happen to look down at the price tags on my medications and my eyes nearly pop out of my head.  The inhaler is only $15 but the antibiotics are listed at $68.  I'm shaking my head and figuring out the math, making sure I have enough to cover it in my bank account.  Then she steps over, takes those meds and disappears for a moment.  When she comes back, she has the same meds but the prices have magically dropped down to ridiculously low amounts...it was like $5 for the inhaler and $15 for the antibiotics and I'm ready to jump for joy. 

And that's when I remember that my wife is also under the weather and she wants the real Sudafed...not the fake stuff on the shelf.

So when the nice pharmacist lady asks, "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"  I mention my need for Sudafed and I gesture to the stuff behind the pharmacy desk, on the shelf behind her.  She smiles and says she'd be happy to get it for me.  She retrieves the box and sets it down on the counter and then says, "Of course, I'll need to see some ID."  I'm happy to oblige her.  She examines my Driver's License to make sure I'm old enough to buy cold medicine.  She hands back the ID and then scans the Sudafed.

"Alright, now if you'll just read the disclaimer on the machine in front of you and check the box..."  She says, gesturing to the card reader on the counter.  I read the disclaimer and it's a bunch of gobbledegook and legal jargon so I click the "Accept" box.  It changes to a signature prompt and as I reach for the pen connected to the machine, I hear the pharmacist say:  "You just have to sign to say you won't use it for anything naughty."  And I have to keep myself from laughing.  I knew right then that this friendly woman must be a mother because only a mother would say to a grown man "you won't use it for anything naughty".  Instead, I smile and I attempt to sign my name but it's impossible on those mechanical boxes.

I proceed to pay for my stuff (and my wife's stash) and I head on out of the pharmacy.  On the drive back home, I'm chuckling to myself and it suddenly dawns on me.  I just scored drugs for my wife.  I'm not sure how I feel about it but I wonder if that's how other drug dealers got started in the "business".  Was the Sudafed a gateway drug?  Only time will tell I guess...

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  Hope you enjoyed it.  I'll try to post more in 2012...