Some exciting news to report today. I just finished my second novel VAMPIRE SAVANT. And I'm proud to say that I've sent it out (well, at least query letters) to three different agents! Hopefully I hear back from them in a timely manner. I celebrated by having a beer and playing a game of Monopoly on the computer (lame, I know). So wish me luck!
"When fate starts to push you over the edge, you'd best learn how to fly or fall gracefully."
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Nuclear Family Holiday Dinner
Here's a skit I wrote back while living in Southern California. We used to do these short and impromptu theater sketches and this one was for a holiday segment. It's a little "blue" so if you're easily offended, I'd recommend you stop reading now. If you're not easily offended, by all means read on.
Like a portrait from a twisted Norman Rockwell painting, a family sits around the dinner table anticipating their annual holiday dinner. The fine China is set out, goblets made of crystal align the tabletop and the silverware shimmers by the candlelight. The center piece of the table is a golden-brown turkey, stuffed with bread and spices. Steam wafts from the cooked bird. It's a serene picture, classic and expected.
The players in our little story sit around the table in a specific order. At the head of the table is the father, we'll just call him Dad. To his right is big brother (Son for our purposes). Next to him is grandpa (Gramps). At the other end of the table is the mother (Mom) and to her left is the older sister (Daughter). There is an empty seat to the left of Dad but we'll get to that seat in a moment.
Mom
Ok. Does everyone have their drinks?
Son
Yes, Mom.
Daughter
Sure thing.
Dad
Shh. Shaddup!
Mom
Where's Cody?
Son
He's still in the bathroom.
Mom
Oh, well. Let's start without him. I don't want the turkey getting cold. (To Gramps) Grandpa, would you like to say grace?
(Gramps says nothing)
Mom
Dad? (She sees that his hands are hidden, they hear a thumping beneath the table) Dad!!!
Son
Aww, Jesus Christ! Grandpa's whacking off again!
Mom
Dad, stop it! Stop it!
Gramps
What? Huh? Oh, marmalade...
Daughter
Why is Grandpa such a sicko?
Dad
Would you all shut up? I'm trying to watch the goddamn game!
Mom
Fine. We'll eat without saying grace and we'll all burn in hell later on. (Everyone starts eating except for her, she glares at the Dad) But, you are not watching football at the table, Larry.
Dad
Come on, Francine! What else am I gonna do? Conversations around here consist of how hot everything is to Grandpa's indiscretions.
Son
Aww, Jesus Christ...Grandpa's doing it again!
Dad
Need I say more?
(Cody, the younger son, walks in and takes his seat. He is carrying a weird hand puppet that looks like a donkey.)
Cody
Sorry I'm late.
Dad
What is that in your hand?
Cody
What?
Dad
That thing? How many times have I told you not to bring that goddamn puppet to the table?
Mom
Oh, leave him alone. You know he needs to practice for the Christmas show.
Dad
But not at the goddamn table, Francine!
(Cody pulls out the puppet and moves its mouth)
Dad
Stop mocking me with that thing!
(Cody doesn't stop)
Dad
I swear to Christ, if you don't put that goddamn thing away...
Mom
Cody, put the puppet away and eat your dinner.
(Cody reluctantly puts away the puppet. He and Dad eat but glare at one another.)
Daughter
Mom, can I go to the movies with Jimbo after dinner?
Son
Movies? Is that what you're calling it now?
Daughter
Shut the fuck up, Steve!
Mom
Lisa! Don't you use that kind of language at the table!
Daughter
But he started it...
Mom
Well, just ignore him.
Son
You're the whore of Babylon, Lisa!
Daughter
You fucking bastard!
Mom
Lisa! Stop saying the F word!
Dad
Do you all mind? I'm trying to eat over here.
(Cody pulls out his puppet and starts his ventriloquist act)
Cody
Hi, I'm the foul-mouthed donkey! Lick my sweaty ball sac, you fucking bastard!
Dad
You little shit!
(Dad leaps up from the table and chases after Cody)
Mom
Stop it! Both of you! Just stop it!
(Dad catches Cody and grabs the puppet, he tosses it across the room. Cody starts crying.)
Dad
Quit your damned bellyaching! You can have the puppet back after dinner!
Mom
(Screeching) SIT DOWN!!
(Dad and Cody go quiet. Cody stops crying and they both sit back down. There is a long moment of silence with only the occassional "tink" from the silverware striking the plates as everyone attempts to eat again.)
Mom
Is everything hot enough?
Dad
It's fine, Francine. Everything's just fine.
(Pause, followed by a thumping noise from under the table)
Son
Aww, Jesus Christ...Grandpa's playing with himself again!
Like a portrait from a twisted Norman Rockwell painting, a family sits around the dinner table anticipating their annual holiday dinner. The fine China is set out, goblets made of crystal align the tabletop and the silverware shimmers by the candlelight. The center piece of the table is a golden-brown turkey, stuffed with bread and spices. Steam wafts from the cooked bird. It's a serene picture, classic and expected.
The players in our little story sit around the table in a specific order. At the head of the table is the father, we'll just call him Dad. To his right is big brother (Son for our purposes). Next to him is grandpa (Gramps). At the other end of the table is the mother (Mom) and to her left is the older sister (Daughter). There is an empty seat to the left of Dad but we'll get to that seat in a moment.
Mom
Ok. Does everyone have their drinks?
Son
Yes, Mom.
Daughter
Sure thing.
Dad
Shh. Shaddup!
Mom
Where's Cody?
Son
He's still in the bathroom.
Mom
Oh, well. Let's start without him. I don't want the turkey getting cold. (To Gramps) Grandpa, would you like to say grace?
(Gramps says nothing)
Mom
Dad? (She sees that his hands are hidden, they hear a thumping beneath the table) Dad!!!
Son
Aww, Jesus Christ! Grandpa's whacking off again!
Mom
Dad, stop it! Stop it!
Gramps
What? Huh? Oh, marmalade...
Daughter
Why is Grandpa such a sicko?
Dad
Would you all shut up? I'm trying to watch the goddamn game!
Mom
Fine. We'll eat without saying grace and we'll all burn in hell later on. (Everyone starts eating except for her, she glares at the Dad) But, you are not watching football at the table, Larry.
Dad
Come on, Francine! What else am I gonna do? Conversations around here consist of how hot everything is to Grandpa's indiscretions.
Son
Aww, Jesus Christ...Grandpa's doing it again!
Dad
Need I say more?
(Cody, the younger son, walks in and takes his seat. He is carrying a weird hand puppet that looks like a donkey.)
Cody
Sorry I'm late.
Dad
What is that in your hand?
Cody
What?
Dad
That thing? How many times have I told you not to bring that goddamn puppet to the table?
Mom
Oh, leave him alone. You know he needs to practice for the Christmas show.
Dad
But not at the goddamn table, Francine!
(Cody pulls out the puppet and moves its mouth)
Dad
Stop mocking me with that thing!
(Cody doesn't stop)
Dad
I swear to Christ, if you don't put that goddamn thing away...
Mom
Cody, put the puppet away and eat your dinner.
(Cody reluctantly puts away the puppet. He and Dad eat but glare at one another.)
Daughter
Mom, can I go to the movies with Jimbo after dinner?
Son
Movies? Is that what you're calling it now?
Daughter
Shut the fuck up, Steve!
Mom
Lisa! Don't you use that kind of language at the table!
Daughter
But he started it...
Mom
Well, just ignore him.
Son
You're the whore of Babylon, Lisa!
Daughter
You fucking bastard!
Mom
Lisa! Stop saying the F word!
Dad
Do you all mind? I'm trying to eat over here.
(Cody pulls out his puppet and starts his ventriloquist act)
Cody
Hi, I'm the foul-mouthed donkey! Lick my sweaty ball sac, you fucking bastard!
Dad
You little shit!
(Dad leaps up from the table and chases after Cody)
Mom
Stop it! Both of you! Just stop it!
(Dad catches Cody and grabs the puppet, he tosses it across the room. Cody starts crying.)
Dad
Quit your damned bellyaching! You can have the puppet back after dinner!
Mom
(Screeching) SIT DOWN!!
(Dad and Cody go quiet. Cody stops crying and they both sit back down. There is a long moment of silence with only the occassional "tink" from the silverware striking the plates as everyone attempts to eat again.)
Mom
Is everything hot enough?
Dad
It's fine, Francine. Everything's just fine.
(Pause, followed by a thumping noise from under the table)
Son
Aww, Jesus Christ...Grandpa's playing with himself again!
END
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Happy Holidays
I love having a birthday that falls so close to the holiday season... more presents for me... Whee! My wife and my family spoiled me rotten this year. Since we'll have to work on Christmas, my side of the family decided on doing an early Christmas after Thanksgiving. I somehow managed to get the latest "Legend of Zelda" (listening to the 25th Anniversary CD as we speak) and a Flip HD Camera! Woohoo!
I've also managed to finish work on the 2nd draft of my 2nd novel, "Vampire Savant". So that's a major victory, I feel.
Unfortunately, the holiday has taken an impact on the blog so I'm trying to make up for that.
Anyway, we received our first snow of the season...sure is nice to see it from behind a window in a semi-warm apartment.
I plan to post some videos with my new camera as soon as I can hook it up into my computer. So there's a teaser to the few who read this blog...
Farewell for now!
I've also managed to finish work on the 2nd draft of my 2nd novel, "Vampire Savant". So that's a major victory, I feel.
Unfortunately, the holiday has taken an impact on the blog so I'm trying to make up for that.
Anyway, we received our first snow of the season...sure is nice to see it from behind a window in a semi-warm apartment.
I plan to post some videos with my new camera as soon as I can hook it up into my computer. So there's a teaser to the few who read this blog...
Farewell for now!
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